Lonely world

Look at the clock, quite late. Mid night already gone, and waiting for sun rise. My laptop clock showed 1.43am, time to wait sun rise to approach the world, few hours later. Actually, I suppose to be on my bed and having a sweet dream now. But weather very hot even I have already open fan o the limit number that it can run, I still failed to persuade my eyes to close, and my mind keep running. I cant sleep!

Yes, weather is very hot, like "burning" the air... I cant feel the function of my both fan. And meanwhile I tried hard to "shut down" my true world into another world (dream), my room mates are chatting without care about me. They talking about one topic to another topic continuously. About jobs, about clothes, shopping, family, friends and so on so fourth. They are improving their friend relationship at this time...the time when I uncomfortable. I am not sure what time their "class world" conversation will ends and but I really cant bear it. Huh, but how to stop... They already grew up enough to think about it. Anyway, I am not going to angry them. Just like what I said, they are big enough.....

suddenly, the question about future "pop out" in mind now. About myself. I got FEAR. I have tried to over come my fear, but it seem not much improve as it should to be. About relationship, friends, and surrounding people. I am fear to mix up with new community, to meet new friends and to know stranger. I ever thought, I hard to step out from my "shell" because i afraid to disappointed. A lot of people like to assume me as a bumiputera during our first meeting. It is too often and really make afraid to talk or speak with chinese people. Sometimes, very embarrass when I were talking, one of chinese man asked me : You look totally different, not similar with typical chinese. I thought you are malay!

Oh God, only God knows how hurt am I. But I still replied that chinese man with smile and said : Oh, I already used to this impression.

Nobody knows, my heart was crying. I just don't want to show you my tears. Most of the time, I just try to cover up my weakness by pretending be a talkative person. No one knows me better than myself. Deep inside, I am kind of shy, less confidence, dependent, fear, lonely, and less talk with strangers.